The best headlines from recent years (these actually appeared) from a newspaper clipping Mischa had on his dorm door at the Univ. of Chicago:

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground,
Crash Probe Indicates

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Line

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last a While

Red Tape Holding Up Bridges

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors