Church Bulletin Bloopers

1. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

2. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend the tragedy.

3. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

5. Thursday night: Potluck Supper - Prayer and medication will follow.

6. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

7. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

8. Evening massage - 6 p.m.

9. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

10. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

11. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

12. Ushers will eat latecomers.

13. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

14. The Rev. Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

15. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

16. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

17. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

18. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

19. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

20. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

21. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

23. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

24. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

25. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett - Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

26. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better.

27. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

28. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

29. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

30. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

31. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

32. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

33. Wednesday the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

34. Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.

35. The service will close with, "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

36. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

37. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

38. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

40. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

41. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

42. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

43. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

44. The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

45. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.

46. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

47. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

49. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy."

50. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge----Up Yours."

51. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

52. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

55. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

56. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

58. "Wise Up, O Men of God". Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

59. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

60. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus

61. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

62. The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.

63. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

64. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

65. Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa".

66. Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals".

68. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

69. Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

70. Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.

73. Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...

74. We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."

75. This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.

77. Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.

78. Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.

79. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

81. The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles.
The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.
The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.

83. Church sign: Jesus Saves!
Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you more!

86. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

87. Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

88. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

89. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

90. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

91. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

92. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

93. There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.

94. The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.

95. I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.

96. On a church postcard: I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.

97. This week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include single people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.

99. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.